I'm a terrible writer...

Admittedly a terrible way to start a blog or at least an attempt at one.

So what makes me a terrible writer?

For one I struggle with consistency and commitments to personal projects. I’ve wanted to start a podcast or blog for years, but it always feels like too much. I even tried to get into zines because of their casual and nature and historical importance. Somehow the mess I created was still not as good as others.

Even as a I write this now I’m not sure I will keep up with it, but I want to change. So I’m putting myself out there even if no one will ever see this.

If you are a prospective employer, I work well under hard set deadlines I promise! It’s just the artificially created ones I make for myself which presents an issue.

This article and many of the articles I will post will be not edited or have very little editing, at least to start. I’m hoping to have ideas and words flow on the page hopefully without too much blockage.

The next reason I am a bad writer is the same reason I am a bad artist. I don’t think I am very creative most of the time. I see my family and friends, and people around me who publish unique and amazing works and I feel as though I am lacking. Technically I can do a lot. I am not a bad illustrator and I’ve been paid for my work before. I’ve also been publish in a school magazine before for my artistic work, but I feel like with out the originality and creativity I am just a robot who clocked in hours to learn how to drag a pen across a tablet.

(Sketches for a commission I did)

There is no artist just skill. I tried to start an art career, but I have no specific style and for the purpose of paying bills I can mimic most styles required of me. To create an imitation of an original that had more heart put into it than I ever could.

When it comes to my written work I struggle to write if I haven’t read something or heard something else before. I need a voice to mimic, because on the literary plain I am mute. It’s how I made it through school and work. Mimicking and recreating the voices I need my teachers and superiors wanted to hear. However I could never write for myself. It was never good enough, it was never defined enough.

Until now I suppose.

I can’t remember the last voice I heard or read that could have influence the voice of this. I scrolled through Linked-In, but so far this hasn’t presented itself as corporate sounding. But then again I didn’t read it beyond what I write in real-time. This may be the first time in my 24 years of life I wrote something for myself and tossed it out towards the ether to be judged while trying to stifle my own judgement.

Even as I write this I think my struggles are silly. I should be able to appreciate my works. Not everyone has the same skills I have and I’m sure there are worse writers out there. I also know that there will always be better and that I am my worst critic..

But the feelings are all the same.

I’ve been told the King Solomon once said “There is nothing new under the sun.” I don’t know if he actually said that, but I do think the saying is true. Still I judge myself maybe too harshly.

A coupe years ago I came to a strange realization. I desire in my own personal life structure and order and often hold myself to unrealistic standards, yet I decided to become a Biologist. The more and more I learn about the world and the life that resides within it the more I learned that there are no rules, structure is a series of this works for now, and that there is never just one answer. It’s one of the things I love about biology. For example I tutor a kid in biology and I often find myself explaining concepts that don’t have simple answers. Like how do we define an animal. I’ve learned many people think of Vertebrates as animals and those outside of that group to be other types of creatures. I even remember as a kid hearing that insects were not animals. It sounds ridiculous to me now, but that’s what makes it fun! It’s the changes and the constant evolution. The constant breaking of rules and the refusal to be easily defined. It’s amazing, it’s beautiful, and something that we should not run away from.

However I rarely afford myself that luxury. Most humans don’t.

I want to write about my passion for the natural world, but I fear being wrong. About messing it up and sending someone off with the wrong information, because in reality it’s more complicated than that.

So here is my attempt. This blog/podcast/zine will be messy and weird and sometimes wrong. I haven’t stopped being scared, but I hope I can still push through it.

So… I am a terrible writer, at least right now and I hope to get better.

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